


I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

by HappyPoodle



Category: Captain America (Movies), Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (Not Matt/Bucky), Angst, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bdsm etiquette, Canon-Typical Violence, Dom Bucky Barnes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Stick is an asshole, Sub Matt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-05-27 20:31:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6299296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyPoodle/pseuds/HappyPoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarity only comes with pain. That's the first thing Stick had taught Matt. Usually, pain isn't too hard to find. The criminals Daredevil hunts usually take care of that. And when they don't, well...Matt has other ways. </p><p>James is a bartender in Hell's kitchen. He used to go by other names, but those parts of him are best forgotten. Some people might call it hiding, but he knows it's for the best. He never brings anything put pain to the people around him. He's good at keeping his nose down- until a blind man starts picking up assholes in his bar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Come on! Is that all you’ve got?” Matt stands over the cowering drug dealer, hands clenched at his sides. The man had gone down with barely a fight. 

“Yes! Yes! Please, just give me to the police!” The man begs. “I’ll tell them everything!”

Matt turns away in disgust. “They’ll be here soon. Don’t try to escape.” 

Another night without anyone who could give Matt a fight. It had been weeks since anyone had landed a punch. His skin felt too tight, his mind was buzzing and full of manic energy. He needed to be hurt. If the criminals wouldn’t do it, he’d have to use another avenue.

*****************************************************************

“You come here often?” 

The stench of old sweat and alcohol surrounds Matt and he bites back a gag. He hates this part; the greasy hands and sour breath that make his stomach turn. It’s necessary though, if he is going to get what he needs. Clarity only comes with pain. Stick had shown him that. Shown him the way pain could pull him out of his head when nothing else could; could silence the ceaseless assault of his senses. Using criminals was cleaner, but this would work too. He turns and offers the man a smile. “Often enough. Haven’t seen you here before.”

There’s a loud guffaw and a heavy hand pounds Matt’s shoulder. “You’ve got spunk! I like it! Can I buy you a drink?”

Matt lets his voice dip seductively lower. “I was hoping we could just skip that part.” 

“Yeah?” The man’s hand slides down Matt’s back to roughly cup his ass. “You think you can keep up with me? I like to play rough.”

Matt laughs, low and throaty. “You have no idea.”

“Good.” There’s the click of a glass against the bar as the man chugs the rest of his drink. “Let’s scram.” 

The man’s already on his feet and heading for the door by the time Matt’s fumbled the money for his tab out of his wallet. 

A hand lands on top of his when he slaps the bills down on the bar. “I don’t think you want to do this,” the bartender says. 

Matt pulls away angrily. “You have no idea what I want.”

The bartender sighs. “I’ve seen you come in here, every week for the last month, and I’ve seen the guys you leave with. More importantly, I know the look you’ve got in your eyes. You’re going with him because you know he's gonna take you out of your head; make sure you aren't thinking of anything but him. But you know what else he’s gonna do? He’s gonna beat you till you’re black and blue and then leave you on the floor like garbage. Whatever you’re feeling now? It’s gonna feel a million times worse when he’s done with you.” 

Matt looks away. “Maybe this is all I deserve.”

“Bullshit,” the bartender says fiercely. 

Matt laughs. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”

“I don’t need to.” 

Matt can hear the breathing of the man by the door picking up in irritation. He knows it’ll get taken out on him. He hesitates.  
  
“Stay,” the bartender says quietly. “Have a drink on me.”

“Hey!” The man by the door steps forward. “Whadda you think your doin’?” He reaches for Matt but the bartender’s hand is on his arm before he can reach him. 

“I wouldn’t,” the bartender says softly. There is an odd mechanical sound coming from his arm. 

“Okay, okay!” The man puts his hands up and backs away. “Fucking tease,” he growls under his breath as he storms out the door. 

“Here.” The bartender sets a shot down in front of Matt. “Thanks for staying.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be thanking you?” Matt downs the shot in one go.

“Nah. I would’ve worried.” The bartender holds out a hand- his right one, this time. “James.”

“Matt.”

“You wanna talk about it, Matt?”

“No.” Matt sighs and let his head roll forward. “I don’t know.” The alcohol has hit his blood stream and he’s pleasantly fuzzy. It won’t last; he hasn’t drank enough to be truly drunk, but it’s enough to take away some of the strain of the past week. He runs his fingers over the shot glass. James’s breathing is even and patient in front of him. “I’m just so tired.” The words slip out. “No matter what I do, there’s always more. I just wanted a rest. Just for one night.” Just thinking about it is enough to bring the worry and guilt flooding back. He finds himself wishing he had left with the other guy, asshole or not. 

“There are other ways, you know.” James says. 

Matt laughs harshly and taps on his shot glass. “Speaking of, can I get another?” James hesitates a second before pouring out another shot. “Cheers.” Matt tips the glass towards him. “I’d say a hangover comes with a hell of a lot less guilt, but Dad was an alcoholic, so….”

“Shit.” James says softly. “Now I feel like an asshole. But that wasn’t what I meant. That guy-it doesn’t have to be like that. Not if you find someone who knows what they’re doing. It could be good.”

Matt feels his face twist bitterly. “Maybe I don’t want ‘good’.”

“Maybe that’s because no one’s had the fucking decency to show you what good is.” Matt hears James’ breathing pick up. “Fuck,” he mutters. “Come home with me. We’re closing in twenty minutes. You want to be taken out of your head; I’ll do it.”

“What?” Matt asks stupidly. 

“Look kid, unlike that asshole, I _do_ know what I’m doing. And if the options are leave you here to get blackout drunk or go home with some other asshole or take you home myself, then I’m taking you home.” There’s a soft snort. “ 'Sides, I’ve been spending the last month staring at that gorgeous ass of yours.”

“Oh.” Matt feels himself flush. He thinks about it for a moment, but there isn’t much to think about. This guy can’t be any worse than the others he’s gone home with. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” He hears the smile in James’ voice. A hand comes to rest in his hair. “Good boy.”

 _Oh. Well…That_ was new. 

**********************************************************

 

“Here it is.” James opens the door. They’re at his apartment above the bar. “Go on,” James adds, prodding him when he doesn’t move. “Get a feel for the place.”

Matt frowns. “Why?”

“If something goes wrong I want you to know your way around. Not that there’s much here, but…”

“No.” Matt reaches out to pat his shoulder. “Thank you.” He’s had more than his fair share of bruised shins after waking up somewhere unfamiliar.

The room is small. A bed in the middle of the room with a lone nightstand beside it. There’s another door on the far side. 

“Bathroom,” James says when Matt reaches it. 

Matt nods and turns around. “So..how do we do this thing?” He offers a lopsided grin and slides to his knees. “I’ve been told I’m good with my mouth.”

James sucks in a breath. “Jesus. Those guys really were pieces of work, weren’t they?” Matt hears the rustle of hair as he shakes his head. “We aren’t doing anything until we’ve set some ground rules.”

Nonplussed, Matt sits back on his heels. “For what? Whatever you want, I can take it.”

“I’m sure you can, but this isn’t about what you can take, it’s about what you _want_ to take.” He steps forward and puts his hand in Matt’s hair. “Tell me Matt, what do you want me to do to you?”

 _Want is weakness._ Stick’s words echo in Matt’s ear. And yet, there’s something burning in his gut at James’ words. "I-" He stops, words catching in his throat. He doesn't know what he wants. 

“That’s all right.” James says after a moment. “I had a feeling this might be a bit too much for you. We can save that for next time.” He takes a step back. “So here are my rules for tonight. One: I’m not going to hurt you.” Matt’s head snaps up. “No arguing,” James says firmly. “I know the look of someone who’s spent their life being hurt. I’m not going to add to it.” 

Matt opens his mouth to protest. 

“Matt, trust me. James’ hand drifts down to caress Matt’s cheek. “I don’t need pain to take you apart.”

The absolute certainty in his voice makes Matt shiver. “Okay.”

“Good.” The hand slips back to his hair. “Number two: You say stop, no, shake your head  
or do _anything_ that makes me think you aren’t 100% on board with what I’m doing and I stop. I’m not going to wait for a safeword.”

Matt frowns. “But you said you weren’t going to hurt me.”

“I’m going to do my best no to,” James agrees, “but I’m still human. I could screw up. And it’s not just for pain. Anything you don’t like, anything that makes you uncomfortable, I need you to tell me. I need to _trust_ that you’ll tell me. Even if it’s just telling me not to call you Matthew because only your mother calls you that.”

Matt winces. Foggy is the only one who calls him that, and he _really_ doesn't want Foggy involved in any part of this. “Don’t call me Matthew.”

He can hear the smirk in James’ voice when he replied. “Exactly. But I don’t know until you tell me. This doesn’t work unless you trust me, and that means being honest with me.”

Matt licks his lips. He’s never used a safeword before. Definitely never imagined using it for something as small as a _dislike_. But James had said there was a better way and he finds himself wanting something better than blood and tears in scuzzy hotel rooms. “Okay.”

“Thank you.” James sounds relieved. “Now, what about your rules? Anything that’s off limits?”

Matt thinks for a minute then shrugs. “Not really. I can take-“

“Ah, ah, ah,” James chides him gently. “What did I tell you before. It’s not about what you can take. What don’t you like?”

Matt shrugs again, starting to feel miserable. James was making him feel off balance. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. It was supposed to be simple. 

“Start with one.” James suggests. “One thing you don’t want me to do.”

Matt thinks back to the last time he’d gone home with someone. The man had been better than most; he owned a whip and actually knew how to use it properly. But… “Don’t call me names,” Matt said softly. Saying it out loud, it felt ridiculous and childish.

“Perfect, thank you.” Bucky sounded so _genuine_ that some of Matt’s embarrassment faded. “What about compliments?”

“I don’t understand?” Matt cocks his head.

The hand in Matt’s hair twitches slightly. “Calling you gorgeous, beautiful, stuff like that.”

Matt blushes. “Yeah,” he mumbles, “that’s fine. Just…don’t call me a slut or…”he shrugs, hoping it’ll get the point across.

“Got it.” James assures him. “Now, speaking of beautiful, let’s get you undressed.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James promised to take Matt out of his head. Now it's time to follow through.

Matt is gasping and writhing on James’s bed. His skin is alight with sensation. 

“Stay still.” James commands hoarsely, his breath ghosting across Matt’s cock.

Matt groans, but stills. “I-”

“Hush.” James rubs his thumbs over Matt’s hipbones. “I’ve got you.” He leans down and licks a stripe up Matt’s cock. 

Matt whines, struggling to keep from bucking up into James’ grasp. “But,” he gasps, “what about you?” He’s been on the bed for what has seemed to be an eternity but has probably only been fifteen minutes. James is taking his time, touching every inch of Matt’s skin, teasing him until he’s unable to think of anything but the feel of James’ hands against his skin.

“Uh uh,” James murmurs. “I told you I’d take care of you. That means not worrying about anything except what I tell you to.” He pauses, and Matt can hear him cock his head. “Would you like to suck my cock?”

Matt’s breath chokes in his throat. “I-” He ducks his head, feeling himself flush. “Yes?”

“Good.” A hand strokes his jaw. “Thank you for telling me,”James murmurs, lips pressed against the skin of Matt's hips. “I’ll tell you what. You do a good job and I’ll let you come.”

Matt whimpers. He hadn’t realized that _not_ coming was a possibility. “I’ll be good,” he gasps. “I promise.”

“Of course you will.” James slides up until the top of his cock his pressed against Matt’s lips. “Now show me what you can do with that mouth of yours.”

Matt opens his mouth and darts his tongue out, licking the precum from the tip of James’ cock. It wasn’t so bad; a lot less bitter than the guys he was usually sucking off. And James was letting him choose his own pace, instead of choking him. Matt opens his mouth a little wider and sucks the head of James’ cock in. He’s rewarded by a gasp and twitch of James’ hips.

“Good, Matt.” James puts a hand in Matt’s hair, not pulling, just stroking. “Good boy.”

Matt feels his own cock jerk in response and he pulls James in a little deeper, running his tongue along the vein at the base his cock. The head butts against the back of his throat, making him gag a little, but he ignores it, pulling it in deeper.

“Easy.” James pulls out a little, letting Matt breath. “Don’t choke.”

Matt nods and backs off until the head of James cock is sitting on his tongue. He swallows around it, feeling it twitch in his mouth. 

“There you go.” James traces his thumb along Matt’s lips. “Nice and easy.”

Matt settles into a rhythm, pulling James cock in as deep as he can without choking, before pulling out, swirling his tongue around it . He can hear James’ heart rate picking up, his breath becoming labored. He hums a little around James’ cock, feeling it twitch in his mouth. 

“God, Matt,” James groans. “You’re so good. Think you can swallow for me?”

Matt nods. He lets his mouth fall open, waiting for James to push in deeper; to choke him. Instead, James pulls out until the head of his cock lies on Matt’s tongue. His come floods Matt’s mouth, but doesn’t choke him. Matt swallows obediently, licking up the drops that have escaped. 

Above him, James chuckles. “You’re gorgeous like this, you know? Lips all red, my cock in your mouth…” A shiver runs through him and he pulls away until his cock falls from Matt’s mouth. “Now, how about I finish what I started.”

This time it’s Matt’s turn to shiver. His cock is rock-hard, throbbing against his stomach. When James’ hand closes on it, it’s so sensitive it hurts. He cries out, twisting under James’ hand. 

“There you,” James murmurs. “Let it go. Let me do this. You’re being so good for me.”

As if the words are his catalyst, a rush of pleasure floods through Matt and he cries out, coming into James’ hand. Around him, the world is finally silent. 

******************************************************************** 

It becomes a regular thing. More regular than Matt is comfortable with. But there are times when he can’t face the pain and so he turns to James. It is soft and it is weak and maybe he is weak, but he can’t give it up.

“Hey,” James says gently. “You with me beautiful?”

Matt forces himself back to the present and nods.

“I must be slackin’ off if you’re daydreaming.” James teases. “Guess I’ll have to up my game.” A wicked note enters his voice. “You feel like trying something new?”

Mouth suddenly dry, Matt nods.

***  
A shiver runs through Matt. He reels the rope, rough against his skin.  
  
“Okay?” James asks.

“Yeah,” Matt says hoarsely. The world around him is already starting to fade; nothing left but him and James.

“Good.” James traces a hand gently down his side. “Just relax. You don’t have to worry about anything now. Let me do all the work.” He leans in to kiss Matt, long and slow, a hand on his hip keeping him pinned in place. “I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

Matt whines as James pulls away, trying to chase after him as best he can with the ropes that surround him. 

“Shhh.” James puts a finger on his lips. “Be a good boy for me.”

Matt finds himself settling back against the bed, muscles relaxing under James hands. 

“That’s it.” James thumbs run gently over Matt’s hips. “You just take what I’m going to give you.” His hands slide up Matt’s ribs until his thumbs rub over Matt’s nipples. They pause, circling around the sensitive nubs until Matt is gasping and panting under him. “God, you’re so sensitive,” he murmurs. A tongue swirls around Matt’s nipple, and he has to bite his lip to keep himself from bucking under it. His cock is so hard it hurts. 

“You’re being so good,” James continues. “So pretty, all tied up for me.” His hands drift lower, dropping back to grip at Matt’s hips. He leans in, and Matt feels his warm breath gust over his cock. It twitches and James chuckles. “Not yet.” He presses a kiss to the inside of Matt’s thigh. His hands drift even lower, running firm fingers down Matt’s thighs. His fingers knead at the tense muscles of Matt’s legs, backing off just before the point of pain. He continues down until he reaches Matt’s feet, working into the ball of his foot. 

Matt tosses his head back and groans. His hands clench at his sides. He’s desperate for a touch against his cock. James ignores him, continue to work at the muscles in his legs until the knots loosen and he feels himself relax. “Good.” James slides back up, letting the rough material of his shirt slide against Matt’s cock. Matt cries out, but forces himself to remain still, quivering under James’ touch. “Very good.” 

James pulls away and Matt has to force back a whimper. “You want this?” James closes a hand around him, thumb tracing across his slit. 

Matt can’t resist the need to press into James’ grasp. He feels laid open, exposed. He’s panting against the ropes and he can feel tears prickling at the back of his eyes. It’s ridiculous. He’s taken much, _much_ worse without breaking. There’s no reason this should be any different. James’ fingers twitch against him and he breaks. “Please,” he gasps, “Please, James.” He doesn’t know what he’s asking for, just that he can’t take any more of _this_.

“Okay.” A thumb wipes across his cheek, rubbing the tears away. “It’s okay. You can let go.” James other hand tightens around Matt, twisting slightly as it moves against him. The words were the permission Matt needed. He cries out, twisting against the ropes as he comes. It wipes out everything around him, until all he is aware of is the feel of James’ hand against his skin. He’s shuddering and gasping but the ropes hold him tight, helpless to do anything but take what James is giving him. 

Eventually, it subsides. Gentle hands untie the ropes wrapping Matt, rubbing carefully at his skin where it’s been marked by the rope. Matt flinches when the touch disappears and he is left alone. He is still far enough gone that his world is completely black.

“Easy.” James places a hand back on Matt’s hip. “Just going for water. I’m not leaving you.” His touch leaves, but he continues talking. “You were so good for me. I’m so proud of you.” In moments, he’s back at Matt’s side, holding a glass to his lips. “I’m sorry. Next time I’ll have the water ready beforehand.”

Matt shrugs. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Bucky says gently. “That was a hard scene. Anyone would freak out after being left like that, and you can’t even see me to know where I’m going.” His hand is stroking gently down Matt’s back and Matt lets himself relax into it. “Feel better?” James asks eventually.

Matt nods.

“Stay with me tonight?” James asks. 

Matt hesitates. He wants this. But he knows he shouldn’t.

“Please?” James pulls him in closer, wrapping his arms around Matt. “It would make me feel better.”

Matt caves. “This once.”

 

The next morning, Stick is waiting for him in his apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was my first attempt at writing smut. It might be the most terrifying thing I've had to write. I hope it's not terrible. Next chapter: More plot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stick was right. Matt needs to get his head on straight. So why is he counting down the hours until James will get off work?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains references to past abuse. It doesn't go into explicit detail, but it makes it clear exactly what sort of asshole Stick was.

Matt slips out the door the next morning, before James is awake. Around him, the world is still muted and peaceful. He could bring it back into focus if he wanted; slow his breathing, sharpen his focus until the world screamed around him again. Instead he hails a cab and lets himself drift in silence. It’s weakness, but he’s always been weak. 

He doesn’t hear the man waiting for him in his apartment. The first blow catches him alongside the head when he walks through the door. The silence that had been a gift moments ago is suddenly terrifying. Matt staggers and nearly falls, desperately trying to pull the world into focus. The second blow hits him across his ribs and he lets out a gasp of pain. Rough hands close around his throat, pinning him to the wall. He scrabbles desperately at them but can’t find any purchase. 

“You didn’t even know who I was, did you boy?” _Stick_

The hands release and Matt falls to the floor, gasping. He tries to scramble to his feet, but another blow to his ribs drives him back to his knees. 

“I always knew you were weak, but this is pathetic.” Stick’s hands close around Matt’s wrists, pinning him to the ground. “I thought I taught you better.” His hands tighten and Matt feels his bones grind together. “Maybe I need to remind you.” 

Matt tries to twist away, fighting back memories of other times and other floors. Panic makes him clumsy and he just managed to smack his head against the door frame.

Stick snorts derisively and releases him. “You’re not worth my time.” Matt hears the clicks as Stick unfolds his cane. “I’ve got some business to take care of. When I get back you’d better have your head on straight, Matty.”

Matt doesn’t hear him leave. He remains lying on the floor, shaking, trying hard to fight back memories; Stick’s hands tight around his wrists, the whistle of a cane before it strikes, the sound of a zipper…. Matt closes his eyes, trying to block them out. It doesn’t work. He wonders if maybe one of his neighbors heard; if they’ll come check on him. No one does. He picked this apartment well. 

He’s not sure how long he stays on the floor for. Long enough for the morning sun to fade from the apartment. Eventually, he drags himself to his feet and into the shower. He turns it on as hot as he can stand, then turns it up further. It doesn’t help. His neck and ribs are throbbing in tune to his pulse, and his wrists ache when he turns the taps off. 

Stick was right. He needs to get his head on straight. So why is he counting down the hours until James will get off work?

 

************************************************************************************

Matt waits until closing to show up at the bar. He doesn't want to give James time to see how off-kilter he is. He wants to throw himself into the scene like nothing is wrong and he knows James won't do it if he knows the truth. But when James opens the door to his apartment for him, he freezes. James’ words from the first night are echoing in his head. _I need to know I can trust you too._

“What is it?” James asks.

Matt swallows heavily. “I shouldn’t be here.. I…I’m not in a good place right now.” He turns away. “I’m sorry. I was being selfish. I’ll go.”

“Woah.” James puts a hand on his shoulder and turns him gently back around. “Hold up there. You think I’m gonna kick you out just because you had a bad day?”

Matt winces. “It’s not like that.” He rubs a hand across his face. “My life is…complicated. I don’t want to force that on you.”

James snorts. “First, you’re dreaming if you think you could force me into _anything_ I didn’t want to do. Second, if by ‘complicated’ you mean ‘fucked up’, then I’ve got that covered too. Third, you’ve lost your goddamn mind if you think I’m going to just let you waltz back out that door before I’ve had a look at your ribs.”

“My ribs?” Matt instinctively stands up straighter as he says it, realizing he’s been hunched over.

“Don’t even think about lying to me.” James says firmly. “Get your ass on that bed.”

Matt ducks his head. He knows that once he takes his shirt off James will see everything. “It’s fine.”

“Matt, I don’t know what this is, but it sure as hell isn’t _fine_.” James’ voice has dropped to the register that rumbles through Matt’s bones. “You don’t have to pretend. Not with me.” 

Matt closes his eyes behind his glasses. He doesn’t _want_ to pretend. All the secrets and lies are exhausting. But it’s all he knows how to do. Stick taught him too well. 

“Do you trust me?” James asks softly

“Yes.”

“Then let me help you.”

James makes it sound so simple and Matt is so _tired_. It's easier just to give in. “Okay.” 

Gentle hands direct him over to the bed, then work on pulling his shirt carefully over his head. Matt hears James’ heartbeat pickup when the dark marks on his throat and wrist are revealed, but James makes no comment. Cool hand press gently along his ribs and he forces himself not to flinch away. “They’re not broken. I’d hear them if they were.”

James pauses in his assessment. “That’s a new one,” He says drily, after a moment.

Matt flushes. “You must have noticed that my hearing is a little…unusual.”

James laughs and continues his inspection of Matt’s ribs. “A little.” His hands move to Matt’s neck and this time Matt can’t stop the flinch. “Sorry,” James says immediately. He doesn’t move his hands. “I’ll be done in a minute, but I need to check. You don’t fuck around with stuff like this.” One of his hands shifts to the back of Matt’s head, working upwards until he finds the goose egg there. “Did you pass out?”

Matt shakes his head.

“Good.” James drops one hand away from Matt’s throat but keeps the one on the back of his head, stroking gently through his hair. “Should I call the police or have you done that already?”

“No!” Matt jerks upright, wincing as it pulls at his ribs. “No. You can’t.”

James’ hands press him gently back onto the bed. “Easy. I’m not gonna do anything you don’t want me to. But Matt-” his hand traces over the bruise Matt know is forming on his cheek, “whoever did this could have killed you. If they’re still out there…”

Matt shakes his head. “It’s not like that. Stick’s the closest thing to family I’ve got. He wouldn’t...” Matt falters, unsure. “He was just trying to teach me a lesson. Things got a little out of hand.”

James is silent a long moment. “Things get out of hand with him a lot?”

Matt shrugs. “I know how it looks. But he saved my life. Without him, I don’t know where I’d be.”

“Are you sure about that?” James asked sharply. “Or is that just what he told you?”

Matt jerks away as if he’d been hit. Of _course_ it was true. He’s been losing his mind at the orphanage and Stick had told him… Stick had told him...

“Hey, it’s okay,” James says softly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. It’s okay.”

“No,” Matt says. “It’s not.” He pulls himself to his feet, stumbling slightly. “I need to go.”

James lets him go, but stands as well. “Matt-”

“No.” Matt shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have come in the first place. It was _weak_.” 

“No, Matt, it wasn’t.” James sounds sad. “Whatever it is, I can help you.” 

Matt shakes his head. “Not with this.” He pauses at the door. “Look...I’m not leaving for good, okay? I like what we have. It’s good; simple. I’ll deal with this and we can go back to the way things were.”

James sighs. “Okay Matt." Matt hears him run his hand through his hair. "But just so you know? It was never simple. Not for me.”

_Me neither_ , Matt wants to say. Instead, he just lets the door close behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt's life is falling to pieces. People are dying on his watch and Foggy is angry with him. The best thing to do is to end things with James before anyone gets hurt. 
> 
> James has other ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give a quick shout out to Marvellous and thank them for all their wonderful comments! Thanks to them, I've decided I'm going to call this pairing Mucky :)
> 
> This one's a monster. Enjoy!

“Okay, enough.” Foggy closes the door to Matt’s office. There’s the slap of paper against the desk. Matt reaches out. Newspaper. 

“Foggy-”

“No, Matt.” Foggy interrupts. “This is the fourth time this week Daredevil’s been in the news. The fourth time this week you’ve come in looking like you went four rounds with a brick wall. What’s going on with you?” Matt hears him sink onto a chair on the other side of the desk. “I thought things were getting better?”

“Better?” Matt asks incredulously. “This isn’t some thing I have to get over, Foggy. I’m helping people. Saving them.”

“Really?” Foggy asks bitterly. “Because you’ve always been good at keeping yourself out of the news. Until now. You’re getting careless. And when you get careless, it’s not just you who gets hurt.”

Matt looks away. “Foggy, you know I’d never let anything happen to you.”

“No, actually. I don’t.” Matt can hear Foggy’s heartbeat picking up in irritation. “I don’t think I know you at all anymore.” There’s a scrape as Foggy gets to his feet. “You want to help people? Do your job.” He pauses for a second at the door. “If you had, maybe Mrs. Anders would still be alive.” 

Matt sucks in a deep breath. Mrs. Anders had come to them last week. Her husband had been beating her, but she couldn’t leave while he controlled her finances. Matt hadn't had the time to look into the details of her case that day, so Foggy had taken out a restraining order. It was supposed to be a temporary fix; something to get them through the weekend. Instead, her husband had followed her home with a knife. Matt was still injured from Stick’s attack and hadn't been on patrol that night. He’d found out the next morning when the police called. Mrs. Anders had still had their card in her pocket when they’d found her body. Matt had taped up his ribs and gone out on patrol again the next night. If his injuries meant he got a little more beat up than normal, well, it was nothing more than he deserved. 

Back in the office, Matt takes a deep breath, pushing the memory away. Foggy was right. He’s been careless, letting Daredevil get in the way of their work. He needs to do better. He stays in the office until after dark. Foggy leaves at five without saying a word. His heartbeat is an angry pulse in Matt’s ears. 

Matt finds himself outside the bar that evening. He should be out patrolling, he knows, but Foggy’s words are stuck in his mind. It seems no matter which way he turns, someone gets hurt. There is no winning this war. At least with James, he doesn’t have to pretend. 

The pickup in James’ heartbeat when Matt walks into the bar eases some of the ache in Matt’s chest.

"I was worried you'd be out doing somethin’ stupid,” James says as Matt slides onto a stool at the bar.

Matt shrugs. “I’m not much use to anyone right now, I think.” His ribs are a throbbing reminder of just how useless he is. 

James gives him a sympathetic look. “Rough day?” He pours a glass of scotch and passes it to Matt.

“Yeah.” Matt downs the glass in one go and slides it back across the bar to James. “Just one of those days, you know? One of our clients...” He takes the second glass James has poured and downs it as well. “She was murdered by her husband the day we put out the restraining order.”

“Jesus.” James pulls the glass away from where Matt’s gripping it, white-knuckled.

“If I hadn’t been so distracted…” Matt closes his eyes. “I should have saved her.”

“You know this wasn’t your fault, right?” James asks softly. “There’s nothing you could have done.”

“Yeah,” Matt says bitterly. “Right.” He is so tired of watching Foggy and Karen live in fear, of watching innocent people die because he isn’t enough to save them. “Maybe I’m an idiot,” he murmurs. “I just…I had to believe Stick was wrong. I thought I was doing good work; saving people. But maybe I’m the problem.”

“Matt.” James hand lands to rest on his. “Whatever that bastard said to you, you can’t listen to it. I’ve only known you a little while, but I know you’re a good man. I’d bet my life on it.”

Matt pulls away. “No.” He shakes his head. “You have no idea. If I were any good, I’d have left already. I’ll just end up hurting you, too. Bad enough I’ve put Foggy and Karen at risk.”

James’ heart rate picks up and his left hand whirrs in the way Matt’s learned it does when he’s upset. “So you gonna run?” James puts a hand on Matt’s shoulder. “I know all about running. All about hurting your friends, too. Why do you think I’m all by myself in this shit hole? Last time I saw my best friend I….” there’s a rustle of hair as he shakes his head. “Let’s just say, any shit you could bring down on my head isn’t worth a damn compared to what will happen if the wrong people find me.” His hand slides down to rest on Matt’s. “You’re not getting rid of me so easy. You don’t _want_ to get rid of me.”

“No.” Matt admits. “I don’t. But I don’t want to hurt you, either.” It’s terrifying to realize how much he wants this; even more terrifying, to realize how much it would hurt to lose it.

“How about you trust me to be an adult and make my own damn choices,” James says softly. “You put your life in my hands every time we do this. Maybe it’s my turn to return the favour.”

James’ hand tightens around his and Matt realizes he’s shaking. "I'm afraid." He hadn't meant to admit it.

"Yeah,” James says ruefully. “Me too. But I ain’t gonna let you go.”

Relief rushes through Matt and he leans into James’ grip. “Take me upstairs?” 

***************************************

“I’d like to tie you up again.” They're naked on James' bed, clothes scattered around them. “You seemed to like it last time, and this way I don’t have to worry about you twisting wrong with those ribs of yours.”

“Okay,” Matt says breathlessly. 

“Just okay?” Matt can hear the smirk in James’ voice. 

“No, just…”Matt licks his lips. He’s having trouble finding words. “Whatever you want. Please.”

“Since you asked so nicely.” James leans in and presses his lips hard against Matt’s. “Maybe this time I’ll fuck you.”

Matt squirms underneath him. “Yes. Please,” he pants. James has taken him apart with nothing but his mouth and his hands. He can’t imagine what it would feel like to have James inside him.

James chuckles. “You’d like that?” He strokes a hand down Matt’s side to rest against his hip. “I’ll open you up nice and slow, until you’re desperate. Then I’ll slide inside you, nice and slick.” His hand slides downward to grip Matt’s ass. “Maybe I’ll come all over that gorgeous ass of yours.”

Matt whimpers and presses into James touch. 

“Shh.” James’ hands leave and there's the sound of a drawer opening. “Be good and lie still for me.”

Matt bites his lip but holds still as James starts to wrap the rope around Matt's wrists. When he’s done, Matt is trussed up securely, barely able to move an inch. His legs are spread wide, leaving him open and vulnerable. He lets another whimper escape him.

James pauses. “Good?”

“Yes,” Matt gasps. “I’m good. Keep going. Please.”

James presses his lips to Matt’s hips. There’s a click as he opens a tube of lube. His finger is warm and slick where it presses into Matt and Matt shudders with the effort of keeping still. “Still good?” James asks.

“Yes.” It’s been a long time. Matt can feel the stretch as James twists his finger inside of him, but it feels so _good_. “More. I need more.”

James chuckles, but pushes a second finger alongside the first. “So good for me, telling me what you want.”

Matt flushes, feeling his cock jump at the praise. “Just fuck me, please,” he says breathlessly. “I’ll be good. I promise.”

James’ fingers pause momentarily. “You’ll always be good, sweetheart. And I’ll always give you what you need.” He slips a third finger into Matt, twisting it around gently scissoring Matt’s hole open. “Just like this.”

Matt moans wordlessly. His cock is twitching with with every thrust of James’ fingers, leaving a pool of precum on his stomach. 

James pauses. “You’re so fuckin’ gorgeous, you know that?” He leans down and licks across the tip of Matt’s cock, lapping up the precum gathered there. Matt let’s out a cry, head thumping back into the pillow. “Yeah,” James continues, “Just like that. Show me how good it feels.” He leans in and licks again, just the tip. 

Matt gasps, eyes snapping wide open. His hips twitch under James. “Please, James!” 

“Shhh.” James thumb rubs at Matt’s hip. “I’ve got you.” He pulls away and there’s the unmistakable sound of a foil condom packet ripping open. “You’re gonna feel so good, sweetheart.”

“Yes, yes, I will.” Matt shakes his head wildly. “I’ll be so good. Just-” His words are cut off as James presses into him. James prepped him well and there is no burn, just a steady, inexorable stretch. Matt can feel himself quivering under James, mouth open, but no sounds coming out. He can’t get enough air to make a noise. Then James’ hand drops to his cock and he finds he _can_ make a sound after all, a long, drawn out wail escaping him. 

“That’s it.” James doesn’t stop moving when he bottoms out; doesn’t give Matt any time to adjust, just slowly pulls out until only the head of his cock is in Matt. “Let it go.”

His next thrust in is a little faster, his hand on Matt’s cock a little rougher. Matt bares his teeth and curses the ropes holding him. He wants to _move_.

There’s a huff of air from James. “You want to move, don’t you? But I’ve got you all tied up.” There’s a catch in James’ voice and his hips stutter on the next thrust. “Can’t do anything but lie here and take it.” He twists his hand on Matt’s cock, rubbing against the slit. “Whatever I want.”

“Whatever you want.” Matt agrees. He’s shaking and shivering and _so close_. 

“You gonna come for me sweetheart?” James drives his hips in a little deeper, making Matt gasp. “Gonna show me how good I’m making you feel?” He leans down and captures Matt’s mouth in rough kiss, lips bruising. His hand twists on Matt’s cock and Matt tips over the edge, crying out into James’ mouth. James rides him through it, keeping his hand on Matt’s cock until its twitching stops and the last bit of cum dribbles out. “So beautiful,” he murmurs, leaning in for another kiss. 

Matt whimpers a little at the overstimulation when he pulls out. “Shhh. It’s okay.” James reassures him. “You did good. Now I’m gonna come all over that beautiful ass of yours, just like I said. Okay?”

Matt bites his lip and nods. He hears James take the condom off, then the rough sound of skin on skin. It’s barely any time before James is groaning and there’s the feel of warm cum splattering against Matt’s butt and thighs. 

“So good,” James gasps, flopping down beside Matt. “ _God_ Matt, you were just….so good.” His hands feel over the ropes on Matt’s wrists and start to untie them. 

Even once his wrists are free, Matt makes no move to help him, floating in a sea of endorphins. He feels himself shiver occasionally as he comes down from wherever he’d gone. His skin feels very sensitive, almost painful.

“Doing okay?” James asks as he moves down to Matt’s legs. 

Matt just nods. He doesn’t think he could form words even if he wanted to. The shaking is getting stronger. He knows he should pull himself together, but instead he feels the tickle of tears in the corner of his eyes. 

“Hey.” James wipes the tears away with a gentle thumb. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” He pulls Matt in close against his chest, running a hand through his hair. “That was a hard scene and you did so good for me.” He presses a kiss to the top of Matt’s head. “So good and so beautiful.” He holds Matt until the shaking stops and Matt’s breathing is even again. “There you go, beautiful,” he murmurs. 

Matt flushes a little and moves to pull away. His head is starting to clear and he is aware of exactly how pathetic he must look.

“Ah ah ah, none of that.” James stops him. “I told you I’d take care of you. That means making sure you’re okay afterwards.”

“I’m fine.” Matt protests.

“Good. I’m still gonna take care of you though.” James leans in and gives him a lazy kiss. “I’m gonna get a washcloth to clean us up. You stay right here.”

“Don’t think I could move anyway.” Matt admits as James gets up.

James laughs. “Even better.” There’s the sound of running water, then returning footsteps. “Means I get to keep you right where I want you.” He flops back into bed beside Matt. “In my bed. With me.” He takes what feels like a warm washcloth and carefully wipes Matt off. “Feel better?”

Matt nods. All the stickiness is gone, leaving only a warm, boneless feeling. Unable to help himself, he reaches out a hand until it rests against James chest. His heartbeat thuds through Matt’s hand, reassuring.

“Aw, c’m on. I can do better than that.” James pulls Matt towards him. “Unless you want some space?”

“No,” Matt admits, letting James’s warmth surround him. “ ‘s nice.”

He falls asleep to the sound of James heartbeat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt's decided not to run, but that doesn't mean his reasons for running have disappeared.

Matt wakes up early the next morning and pulls himself carefully free of James. In the cold light of day, things don’t seem as simple as they did the night before. He sets his feet on the floor and drops his head into his hands. Just because he’s decided to stops running doesn’t mean his problems will disappear. He needs to deal with Stick. 

Matt feels the bed move as James rolls over. “I need to find Stick.”

“Okay,” James says easily.

“What?” Matt jerks and turns towards James. 

“I’m not an idiot. I know what happens when you stop runnin’. You gotta deal with all the shit you’ve been runnin’ _from_. Sides,” he huffs a sigh, “if you don’t go after him, he’ll just come chasing after you, won’t he?”

“Yeah,” Matt says heavily. “He will.”

There’s the sound of James fumbling with something on the bedside table. “I don’t suppose I can convince you to take me with you?”

“James-“

"At least let me give you my number.” James presses Matt’s phone into his hand. “I’ll feel better.”

“Okay.” Matt gives in, unlocking his phone and passing it back to James to type his number in. 

“Thanks.” James sounds as tired as Matt feels. “You know Matt, I could _help_ you.”

“No,” Matt says instantly. “I didn’t run. I stayed. But don’t ask me to drag you further into this. You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“Maybe not.” James leans closer and for a second Matt is terrified he’s going to try to kiss him, but he just runs a hand over the bruise on his face instead. “Be careful.” 

*****************************  
Matt finds Foggy waiting for him when he arrives at the office.

“Matt.” Foggy is nervous. His heartbeat is too fast, and Matt can hear him wiping his palms on his slacks. “Look, I’m sorry about what I said the other day. I was out of line.”

Matt raises a hand. “No, Foggy. You were right. My head hasn’t been in the right place. I’ve let you down.”

He hears Foggy shake his head. “No. I gave Mrs. Anders' file my best shot. I can’t blame you for what I couldn’t fix. You probably wouldn’t have found anything in that file that I missed.”

“But I could have looked.”

“Yeah. You could have looked.” Foggy’s hair rustles as he shakes his head. “I’m just tired of carrying this practice by myself. Tired of _everything_. You’re _family_ Matt. And every night, I have to lie there awake wondering if tonight’s the night you’re going to end up with a bullet in your head. If tonight’s the night someone’s gonna figure it out and come for Karen, or me. I just...I don’t understand it, Matt. I tried, but I can’t. That guy I met in college- the guy who started Nelson and Murdock with me- all he wanted to do was help people.” Matt hears Foggy's shoes scrape against the floor as he pushes away from the desk. “When we started this thing, I thought Nelson and Murdock was our dream. I’m starting to think it was just _my_ dream. ”

“No, Foggy-" 

“Don’t,” Foggy says sharply. “Just..don’t lie to me Matt.” 

“I’m not!” Matt tries to keep his tone even. “You think this-“ he waves his hand around the office “doesn’t matter to me?” 

“Not as much as what you do at night. No-“ Foggy says when Matt tries to protest. “You tell me that if you had to choose, you would give up the mask. You _tell_ me.” 

“Foggy,” Matt says desperately, “You don’t understand. I _have_ to…it’s what I was trained to do, okay? For decades, every breath I took, every step, was about becoming a better weapon. I don’t know _how_ to give it up. I can’t. It’s a part of me!” 

“What?” Foggy’s voice is flat, but his pulse is screaming his agitation. “You were _trained_ to do this? “ His heart is outright racing now. “Oh my god. Oh my _god_.” There’s a thump as he sits down. “This is that crazy shit you were telling me about when you got drunk in College. About that asshole who adopted you.” 

Matt winces. He’d hoped Foggy had forgotten about that. “Stick. Yeah.” 

“ _Jesus Christ._ ” Foggy takes a deep breath. “Jesus _Christ_ Mattie!” Foggy sounds so upset Matt can’t bring himself to reprimand him for his choice of words. “You’re telling me that…that… _asshole_ took a _child_ and trained them to be a…what? A super solider?” 

Matt bites his lip. “Basically, yes.”

“Fuck!” Foggy stands and kicks his chair over with a screech. “I want to wring that bastard’s neck! I can’t believe this!” 

“It’s not like that, Foggy.” Matt stands and moves to grab Foggy’s shoulders. “Look, I was going crazy. I didn’t know how to handle my enhanced senses after the accident. He saved me.” 

“And where is he now?” 

Matt fiddles with his glasses. 

“ _Jesus Christ_. He’s _here_ , isn’t he? In New York?” 

“No...I don’t know. Maybe.” Matt admits. “But I’m handling it, okay?” 

“Are you?” There are tears in Foggy;s voice. “Are you Matt? Or is this some kind of fucked-up Stockholm syndrome?” There's a thump as he sinks into a chair. “I know it might not seem like it, but all I want is for you to be safe and happy, Matt. I’m never going to understand Daredevil, alright? I tried, and I just can’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry. It doesn’t mean I don’t _miss_ you." 

Matt pulls him into his arms. “I know Foggy, I know. I’ll make it right, okay? I promise.” 

_***********************_

Matt expected Stick to come for him at home. He should have known better than that. He’s on the roof of a warehouse above the docks, waiting on a shipment of guns rumored to be coming in. He’s so focused on the scene below him that he doesn’t hear Stick until the last minute. 

“I’ll be honest boy, I didn’t expect to see you here.” 

Matt feels himself go cold. “I could say the same thing.” 

Stick laughs. It’s not a pretty sound. “What did you think was going on here, boy? Some petty arms deal?” 

Matt takes a deep breath. “Something like that.” 

He hears Stick shake his head. “Well, you’re not wrong. The thing on that boat...it was the most dangerous weapon this city’s ever seen. 

Matt turns to focus completely on Stick. “Was?” 

He hears Stick shrug. “I know you have a problem with kids. I thought I’d take it easy on you this time.” 

Matt clenches his fists. “You killed a kid?” 

“Not a kid,” Stick snaps. “A weapon.” 

“So why are you still here?” Matt asks bitterly. “Job’s done, isn’t it?” 

“ ‘Cause if they’re pulling in their big guns, then so am I.” 

“You mean me.” Matt can’t believe it. “You think you can convince me to fight for you after you’ve admitted you killed a _child_?” 

Stick laughs harshly. “I don’t think you realize what’s going on. This is a war, Matthew, and I’m the only one who can help you.” 

“If there’s a war coming it’s one of your own making. I’ve had enough of your lies." 

“So,” Stick says softly. “Guess you made your choice.” He spits. “What a waste.” He’s moving as he speaks, leg sweeping around in a kick aimed at Matt’s already injured ribs. Matt spins, but he’s not fast enough to avoid the kick entirely. He hears the crunch of bone when it lands. 

“What are you doing?” Matt gasps. 

“You’re naive, Mattie. The people coming, they’ll use that- use _you_ \- if you’re stupid enough to let them.” There’s another swish of air and Matt barely dodges the next kick. “I can’t afford that risk” 

“So what? You’re going to kill me?” 

“If I have to.” 

It hurts. Matt knows Stick is a bastard, but he is still the closest thing to family he has. He doesn’t bother replying, just pulls out a club out and swings. He doesn’t know if he’s lucky or just faster than Stick expects, but he hears it impact the other man’s knee with a crunch. There’s a puff of air from Stick, but no noise. Matt swings around to follow up the blow with a kick, but Stick dodges sideways, and Matt’s leg swings through empty air. 

“You’re good boy,” Stick says. He leans over and Matt hears the ring of metal as he picks up a piece of re-bar that had been lying on the roof. “But I’m better.” He swings the bar, and Matt barely gets his arm up in time to block the hit. The blow reverberates into his shoulder, and he bites his back a yelp of pain. He moves to duck under Stick’s arm and get under the reach of the weapon, but his ribs scream in agony as he twists and he stumbles. The bar smashes into the side of his head and knocks him sideways. For a moment, the world goes black around him. No sound, no world on fire. A blow to the ribs brings him back to the present. He finds himself on his knees in the gravel of the rooftop. He rolls out of the way of Stick’s next swing and climbs to his feet. He’s too slow, he knows, but with the world spinning around him it’s the best he can manage. It isn’t good enough. 

“Stay _down_ boy!” Stick snarls, slamming Matt’s back against the gravel of the roof. 

Matt rolls away as best he can. He knows he’s done. His ribs are screaming in agony and the world is spinning around him. “Why are you doing this?” He gasps. 

“Because you’ve gotten weak,” Stick spits. “You’re soft. I trained you for a purpose, boy. You need to give up this charade and finish what you started!” 

“And what? Fight in your war? I won’t kill for you.” Matt says. 

“This doesn’t end until every one of ‘em is dead. Cut off one head, two more take it’s place” Stick swings, the bar whistling through the air. “The sooner you realize that the better.” 

Matt rolls sideways but the end of the bar still clips his ribs and he can’t bite back the scream of pain. “This isn’t what I do!” Matt gasps, struggling to his feet once more. “This isn’t what you _trained_ me to do! I protect people! You bring a war here, people are going to die!” 

“People are gonna die either way, Mattie. I’m just trying to make sure it’s the right ones.” The re-bar hits Matt in the back of the knees, knocking him to the ground. “This is your last chance Mattie. Next time you go against me, you ain’t walkin’ away.” The bar swings down one last time and Matt’s world goes black. 

_***************_

Matt’s wakes up to the sound of the rain falling around him. His world on fire has deserted him and he’s left in blackness. Even just rolling over to lie on his side leaves him dizzy and nauseous. He is alone. He’s failed. 

He pulls out his phone and rubs his thumb over the braille of its numbers. He’s ruined enough lives. Time to end this. 

“Matt?” James’ breathless voice sounds in his ears. 

“James.” 

He must sound bad because he hears James suck in a deep breath. “Where are you?” 

“I went to find him,” Matt slurs. “He’s gonna kill a bunch of people, James. Something ‘bout a war.” It’s getting hard to breath around the agony in his ribs. 

“ _Jesus_ ,” James swears. 

“ ‘m not strong enough. Couldn’t stop ‘em.” Matt continues. “Police can’t either. Not if what he say is true. You need to find the Avengers...tell them...tell them Daredevil sent you. They have to stop him…” 

“Just tell me where you are,” James says. “Just tell me where you are and we can deal with the rest later.” 

But the phone is slipping from Matt’s nerveless fingers and everything is fading away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY! Real life and a serious injury got in the way and this took so much longer than I expected. But I'm back on the writing train now and you should be getting regular updates again!
> 
> Also, as you can tell, I'm deviating from canon a bit here. I didn't like the orientalism/stereotyping of the show, so I switched villians. Plus, it makes tying to Bucky easier


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out

Matt wakes up slowly. He can hear the James’ heartbeat strong beside him. “How’d you find me?” He croaks.

“Called in a few favors. Got a trace on your phone.” James’ voice is rough. “I didn’t expect to find you half dead on a rooftop in a superhero getup. Got something you want to tell me?”

To Matt’s surprise, he finds that he actually _does_ want to tell James. It might be selfish and weak but he doesn’t want to do this on his own any longer. “It started when I was a nine,” he says before he loses his nerve. “There was an accident. It blinded me, but left my other senses enhanced. Then….” he pauses for a second, “then Dad died and I was sent to an orphanage. The nuns tried, but,” he shrugs, “they didn’t know what to do with me. No one did. I was drowning. Going crazy. Until Stick showed up.” Matt hears James’ curse softly under his breath and shakes his head. “I told you he saved my life. Without him...I’d be nothing. He taught me how to control my other senses, understand what they were telling me without getting overwhelmed. Then he taught me to fight.” Matt hears James’ suck in a deep breath. “He told me there was a war coming. That when the time came, we’d need everyone we could get if we were going to win. And if I were going to fight by his side, I needed to be good. So he trained me.” 

“That _bastard_!” Matt feels the bed move as James throws himself to his feet. “Since you were _nine_? Even _I_ got a fucking childhood!”

Matt clenches his fists. Even now, he had to fight the urge to rush to Stick’s defense. “No matter what Stick may or may not have done, my childhood ended at that accident. I know that some of what he did was wrong, but I was never going to be a normal kid again. He at least taught me to be useful.”

James sighs heavily. “Okay.” The bed sinks as he sits down again. “I mean, there’s so much wrong with that...but I get it.” His warm hand comes to rest in Matt’s hair. “No one likes to feel useless. Especially some punk-ass kid like you musta been.”

Matt laughs a little at that. “I was a bit of a handful. Even for Stick.” He swallows heavily, fighting back memories as he continues. “He left when I was twelve. I think...I think he thought I was getting too attached. He bought me ice cream and I kept the wrapper...made a bracelet…got all sentimental about it.” He has to take a deep breath before he can continue, using the solid warmth of James’ hand against his head as an anchor. “After he left I kept up the training, but I tried to forget about the rest. Until one day, I heard her. A little girl, crying because her Dad….” Matt bites his lips, unable to force the words out. “I called Child Services, but there was no proof. So the next night, I put on a mask and found him on his way home from work. I broke his jaw and told him if he went near his daughter again, I’d know. It was supposed to be just a one time thing.” 

“But it wasn’t,” James says softly. 

Matt shakes his head. “Once I pulled my head out of the sand, there was just _so much_ pain and fear. So many things the law couldn’t fix.”

“So you put on a mask and finished them yourself,” James finished. 

Matt nods. “It’s not as noble as it sounds. Stick turned me into a weapon, and weapons need to be used. Once I started, I realized how _useless_ I’d been. I’d let myself get weak. The fights- the _pain_ \- they cleared my head. Gave me a purpose. I’m not a hero. I’m not even a good guy.” He's started shaking and he wraps his arms against himself in a fruitless attempt to stop it. He'd never told anyone the full story, not even Foggy.

Gentle hands cradle his face, wiping away tears he hadn’t realized had fallen. “Thank you,” James says. “Thank you for trusting me with this. And for the record? I think you're the best man I know.” 

The relief of telling someone and have them _understand_ \- having them accept it without a moment’s hesitation is too much for Matt. He crumples into James’ arms. “I’m just so _tired_! No matter how much I do, there's always _more!_ ”

“I know,” James soothes, rubbing a hand across his back. “But you’re not alone anymore. I’ve got you.”

Matt shakes his head where it lies against James’ chest. “You don’t know what you’re getting into. Daredevil- he doesn’t kill. But Stick doesn’t follow those rules. He thinks he’s fighting a war and he doesn’t care who dies. I can’t pull you into that.”

James sighs. “I know more about war than you think I do. And I know what it’s like to have someone try to turn you into a weapon. I’m not letting you fight this alone.”

“You have to.” Matt rolls away. “I’m good- maybe better than Stick- but not if I’m worried about protecting you. I’ve got my senses and my training. What do you have?”

To Matt’s surprise, James laughs. “How about a metal arm?”

“A…” Matt freezes, mind working through the math. He’d known there was something off about James’ arm, but if he was saying what Matt thought he was saying… “James. James Buchanan Barnes,” he says slowly. “You’re the Winter Soldier.”

“I like to go by James nowadays,” James says evenly. “I’ve taken down Hydra bases on my own- SHIELD ones too, although that wasn’t exactly ‘on my own’.” His voice is bitter and Matt can hear the stutter of fear in his heartbeat. “Whatever this guy Stick’s got, he can’t be worse than what I’ve already seen. So if you’ll still have me, I’m yours.” 

Matt doesn’t hesitate, just pulls James’ in and kisses him. “Of course,” he says breathlessly. “Of course I’ll have you.” He can hear James' honesty, his _goodness_ in every beat of his heart. There's no doubt in his mind that whatever Hydra may have done to him- whatever they may have forced _him_ to do- he was a good man.

“Yeah?” There’s genuine surprise in James’ voice. “You ain’t afraid of me?”

“Never.” Matt presses a hand to James chest, above his heart. “I know you. You’re a good man, James.”

James' laugh is thick with tears. “Back at ya kid. Now let’s figure out how we’re gonna get this asshole.” 

Matt sighs. “It’s not going to be that easy. I know Stick. This war he’s talking about is real. And he might be an asshole, but whoever he’s fighting will be worse. He’s been telling me stories my whole life. They don’t stop. You cut off one head, two more grow back-”

“What?” James snaps. He wrenches himself away from Matt. “ _Fuck!_. Of _course_ it’s Hydra.”

Matt goes cold. He can hear James’ heart beating wildly in his chest. “You can’t do this,” he stammers. “I know what I just said, but this changes everything. You have to stay out of it. I’m not risking losing you to Hydra.”

“But you want _me_ to risk it?” Matt hears James shake his head. “You know Stick but I know Hydra. You take them on alone, you’ll lose.”

“If they’re that bad, than getting you involved won’t be enough anyway,” Matt shoots back. “Super soldier or not, we’re just two people.”

“No, we aren’t. Not as long as I pull my head out of my ass,” James says wryly. “Stevie never did like bullies.”

It takes Matt a moment to realize what he means. “No- James, you can’t!” Whatever Steve- _Captain America_ \- was to James back in the day, he’s been hiding from him all this time. Matt’s not going to be the reason he’s forced out of hiding. 

“Nah, it’s okay. They pardoned me and everything after I blew up that last Hydra base. ‘Course, they thought I was dead, but…” Matt hears the shift of fabric as James shrugs. “Time to stop bein’ a coward. ‘Sides, it’s only a matter of time, anyway. I told you I called in some favors.”

“Oh.” A sick sense of dread settled in Matt’s gut. He was going to be the reason James was dragged back into everything he’d fought so hard to leave behind. Another life he was going to ruin.

“This one ain’t about you, sweetheart.” James says quietly. “No one can run forever. And if I was goin’ to get caught, I’d rather it be now, with you, than alone in some god-forsaken hell hole. Some things are worth fighting for. Bout time I remembered that.” Matt opens his mouth to protest but James shushes him with a finger against his lips. “Before you argue with me, remember who puts on a mask at night to fight for an entire god-damn city. Besides, Hydra was my problem long before your Stick found it. You’re stuck with me.” He pauses and his voice cracks a little when he continues. “I’m with ya till the end of the line.”

Matt can hear the truth of his words in the steady beating of his heart. “Okay. So what’s our plan?”

James sighs. “Unfortunately, I think you were right. We need to find Stick. Only, unlike your brilliant plan, we’re gonna have backup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh! This update was slow. I'd like to say the next one will be faster but life keeps getting in the way. I've got the next chapter partially written though, so that's a good start. Thanks for sticking with me!

**Author's Note:**

> I read a fic that had Bucky running a bar and I couldn't help myself. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please tell me if I've missed any tags. I did my best but I feel like I missed something.
> 
> No beta. All mistakes are my own :)


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